Full of big girl things. And everyday. I wish that I was small”… I’ve spent so much of my life counting down days. X days till Christmas, X days till I turn 14, X days till camp, etc. I remember driving away from high school at the end of my senior year, never thinking to look back. Two miles away though, stuck behind the wheel of my car, it occurred to me. I’m out of high school. I had graduated a whole semester ahead of my class in a rush to get ahead. And in my car, I thought about all the good times from my senior year, and I couldn’t come up with one. Not in the moment atleast. I realized then that I could hardly even remember my senior year. How is that possible? I wondered to myself. And then it occurred to me. I had been living for the next event for almost the last year and a half– especially those last few months– trying so hard to get away from it all. I read somewhere once that life is what happens while you’re making plans. And in that monent, I realized whoever had said that had been right. My life had happened and I’d almost missed it. I don’t think it’s just me who does this either. I think it might be a habbit of nature. As children we wish to be grown ups, because grown ups get to do whatever they want. Yet as grown ups we look at small children and envy them. They know nothing of pain, stress, dissapointment. I’ve always wondered, At what point was it that we suddenly realized that grown ups don’t necessarily get to do what they want, that it’s not exactly how that works. When I was 17 I learned to live as though I was 21, while studying in Mexico. One I returned home, after my year abroad, I spent the next three years waiting on pins and needles for 21 to come. In the weeks before my 21st birthday, my older friends would say to me “Oh you’ll get over being 21. It’s not that big of a deal.” And I knew they were wrong. I’ve been 21 for almost two months now, and I still love that I can have a glass of wine and not worry about being carted off to jail. I don’t want to be 20, I don’t want to be 25, I simply love being 21. It’s taken me a long time to get here, mentally and actually so I’m just going to enjoy it.
Oh and if you like the quote at the beginning of my post, it’s from “Scratch” by Kendall Payne