I wrote this last night in a bored moment.

If I close my eyes I can still feel you in front of me, I can still smell your skin inches from mine. When I block out the rest of the noise from the world I can still hear your voice on the other end of the line. In the loneliness of the night I can remember once when you’re body pressed against mine. You would whisper silly nothings into my ear. I wish now, more than anything else I could still remember what those nothings were, maybe to have written them down, something. I still dial your number sometimes, just to hear your voice in the message. I can really only do that for so long though, eventually they will disconnect your number and it will go to someone else. Maybe I’ll still call it out of habit. Burned into the back of my brain. 660-815-1653. It’s when I open my eyes though, and I let the noise back into my ears that the world keeps on spinning, and life seems to continue, more often than not without me. The first few painful moments turned into minutes, hours, days, and now its been weeks, soon it will be months. How can this be happening? How can the world continue to spin without you, without us?
“Mom stopped by last night. She brought over dinner. I think she’s afraid that I’m not eating or something.”
“Well are you eating?”
“No. But I’m just not hungry.” He wrapped his arm around me.
“You need to eat.” Tears began to blur my vision. What is wrong with me.
“What I need is you. What I need is for you to hold me so I can get some sleep.” He pulled me in closer to him, leaning my head on his shoulder. I felt his lips on the top of my head, but there was no smell.
“I’m so fucking tired.”
“Sh. It’s okay.” He stroked my hair. I grabbed his hand and pulled his arm around me so that I was fully embraced in him. I have missed this so much.
“No. It’s not okay. You’re never there when I really need you, not now anyway. And I need you! I can’t do this without you! Why would you do this to me? What were you thinking?”
“I wasn’t thinking. Believe me this is not how I saw us working out.” I looked up at him and his eyes just looked sad. They were cold, and almost seemed empty.
I sat up, knowing what was happening. “No!” I grabbed onto his shirt sleeve. “No! No! You can’t keep doing this to me!” I could feel he was being pulled away from me.
“Take care my girl.” and just like that he was gone.
Left alone in my own sadness I hugged my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth. I curled my head into my chest and continued to cry. Why is this happening to me? I never wanted this. Ever.
Standing up, I walked away from the gravestone, not sure of where I was going. I think that’s my car over by the shelter. Did I drive myself here? My knees felt weak beneath me. Come on legs carry me, feet keep going. I’m putting everything in you feet because I have no idea where I am or where I’m going. Just get me somewhere. Somewhere that’s not here. Maybe a crowded room to distract me, or at least noise so that I’m not left with everything in my head.


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