So in my new strange city, I am located an hour from my family, and the house that I grew up in. That was definitely one of the top things on my list when I decided to move here. And I enjoy being able to see my family more than a few times a year. But being back in my hometown more often than not is still strange. I’ve lived away from it long enough, that I got used to not seeing certain people.
A lot of people seem to have people/persons that take them feel a different way, like going back in time. Maybe its a first love(er?), an old friend who isn’t so much a friend anymore, someone who knew you before all the rest. Well those people that I do have are mostly in my hometown, and some of them I’d just rather avoid. And I usually do a good job at not seeing these people. I don’t go to Walmart there– unless its absolutely necessary– and I generally only to go out to dinner if it’s with friends. I’m not a recluse by any means… but I’m not usually reaching out when I’m there. With that said.
My father called me today and asked me if I would be interested in going to lunch. I didn’t even think about the place he had suggested. So I agreed and met him there (along with my step mother). And in the middle of appetizers I looked up, and there that person was. It was a person who had had such a profound grasp on me growing up in high school, that just looking at them across the room, I wasn’t sure what to do. Could my step mom (who was sitting across from me) see the mix of shock and nervousness on my face? People always said they could read me like a book so I didn’t really know how transparent I was being in that moment. Had this person seen me come in? What do I do? Where do I look? What’s going on? And then suddenly that person looked at me too, and our eyes met, and in the brief two seconds I knew that person was suddenly as shocked and nervous as I was. Then they smiled, and I smiled back, feeling a little strange, and unable to pin down the feeling. Turning my attention to the family I prayed no one had noticed my brief mental freak out.
Five minutes later, as I’m cutting through my meal, I look up, and there that person is staring at me. We meet eyes yet again. Then they smile. And I realized where I’d felt all of these things. It was familiar, I just couldn’t pin it down before. Where had I felt this way before? Oh wait. I remember. I was sixteen.
Now that I’m 22 and rapidly losing any idea of whats going on around me, I remembered 16. Hiding, being nervous, and uncertain, and not knowing how life could end up for me. Okay that kind of sounds like me now, but now (unlike 6 years ago) I have life experience behind all those feelings.