I wake up every morning questioning my own geographical existence. What am I doing here? How did I end up in middle America when one year ago, this would have seemed impossible from the comfort of the east coast. In the events of the last twelve months I feel as though things in me and around me have been changing so drastically that it’s becoming harder to really hold a film grasp on things. What’s my favorite color? Pink. I think? Maybe it’s teal. If you asked me my favorite sports team I would simply shrug my shoulders and say “Who cares?”
I was given the option essentially to stay on the east coast and work till school started to work out, or move back to the mid west and make school work out. I chose the mid west. But now that I’m here, I’m haunted by my own ambivalence. Why am I in school if I have no idea what I want to do? What happens after college? Will it always be like this? Should I just stop taking classes and maybe make money? How long would it be till I regretted this decision? Would I regret it? A flood of questions haunt my stream of consciousness and I don’t know what to do, and am slightly scared to even move.
I phone a friend in search of wisdom. Someone to tell me I’m worry for nothing and it will be all okay. Instead what I receive is a reflection of my own fears. “I don’t know what to tell you.” she says over the line. “I’m in grad school, and I still don’t know what I want to do. I mean I think I want to work with money. That’s why I got a degree in finance. But I really don’t know.”
I have another friend in Chicago who majored in french and is selling luggage at a department store. Another friend in my home town who is living with his parents while he works through some temporary job in search of his real career. I mean I know the economy is bad, but that can’t be the only reason.
Another friend of mine in LA was so bothered by his uncertainty in the future that he’s back packing his way through South America hoping to find the answers of his future. Something he’s supposed to do.
Has it always been like this? Does every generation have a group of 20 somethings who are completely lost and confused?
Even now I know a few students who are getting their doctorate simply because they still don’t know what they want to do with their lives so they stay under the safe haven of learning.
When I was in high school I was crazy about writing. I loved it. The power of word consumed my being. It was passion. These days though I don’t really feel like I’m passionate about anything and that idea alone scares the shit out of me. Do we lose passion as we grow up and realize our dreams are better off as what they started… just dreams.