Last June I was faced with a delima. Fight or flight? I hadn’t been accepted to the school I had anticipated acceptance from. And my options more or less were to fight (stay in North Carolina and work in a job until I COULD get into the university) or flight (move back home and finish school), well…. For the last few months I have been feeling lost and confused. Everyday I would wake up and wonder “what the hell am I doing here” and I was just going through the motions. I’d been hoping for a sign, some clarity, something. I needed to know why I was here. Besides being my choice, it just didn’t make any sense.
It wasn’t until yesterday when I was sitting bored in an airport that I realized I had made a mistake. A very large mistake. I had been at a cross roads once, and I chose the wrong path. I chose the path that would lead me closer to home. The path that led me to where I currently am. And even though I realized I had made this mistake I felt relieved, I was finally feeling SOMETHING. I had complained recently that I was tired of going through the motions of not feeling something for anything. I didn’t care about my classes, my friends were good, but even with them, it was a shallow feeling on being mildly content. Even though I was upset at my mistake I was so glad to have finally realized it. To have seen it clearly. But now what? What do I do now that I realized I’ve made a mistake? Don’t people tell you you need to learn from your mistakes? Well in the hour and a half I sat on a plane from one destination to a lay over I realized exactly what I had to do. The only way out is through. The only way I can fix this mistake is to go through it. And to get through it I know I just have to buckle down and focus in a small attempt to get through school. And then I’ll move on to somewhere else.
Now this might not see like a big deal to anyone else. Hell. I’m sure there’s a large handful of people around me who realized this about me long before I did. But. Just the same, I can finally see it clearly and it brings me more comfort than I could ever have anticipated that it would bring.