Last summer I had mono. And while I would lay in bed feeling like I was about to die. I was secretly just a little happy for my loss of appetite. I’d maybe eaten about 800 calories over a course of two days. On top of having no appetite, I had seven kanker sores on various spots in my mouth that made eating simply painful. So in not eating I watched as the scales continued to drop every morning. I think I lost 10 lbs in a little over a week. My goal over the summer was to keep off those 1o lbs. I called it my mono weight. Well I kept it off for most of the summer. Then I moved back home and forgot that I still need to workout, eat right, yada yada. And the lbs came back and then some.
All the while the lbs are adding up and I can’t exactly understand why I felt so lost in my own life. I felt like I had no direction for anything, and none of it really mattered. I hated the feeling of feeling like my own life was just happening, not to me necessarily, but something I would just watch. I didn’t understand it. Why me? Why am I so unbelievably lost?
Well. In December I announced to a group of friends that I wanted to run a 5k in April and they encouraged me and agreed that we would all do it together. We would learn to run a 5k. Fastforward a few months. I have two 5k’s under my belt, and I’m doing a half marathon in June. I can’t believe it. My first 4 miles run in the training program was last Sunday. I had just gotten used to running 3, so I knew 4 would be something different. But it wasn’t. I didn’t feel dead afterward, I didn’t want to pass out from being so tired, I wasn’t mentally exhausted from trying to talk myself through it the whole time. I felt alive. Even tonight in my 3 mile run, it was no big deal. I would look down at my iphone not to see how much further I had but to make sure I was keeping a good pace and not running too fast. Doing that made me realize, I am a runner. Crazy.
Even if it’s crazy though, I feel alive. I feel like I’m living my life as apposed to just watching happen. Not only am I running a half marathon in June, but I’ve signed up to serve two years as a Peace Corps Volunteer (scary I know). Had you pulled me aside in December, or even January and shown me the person I am now, I would have laughed and believed that any of these things were possible. Really. The craziest part is. December and January was not that long ago. Its funny how fast everything can change.
Its so funny, because when I shut off the voice in my head, and just go with my heart its a little scary. Because my heart knows that I could have the entire world if I wanted it and I’ll let myself have it, even though my head is never so sure. So with the pounds coming off, as self realization comes on I only have one thing to say. Hello world.