Something about the heart

In my new city, I stare at things I see. Drunk people. Big buildings. A flutter in my heart that lets me know that this place is exactly where I’m supposed to be. There’s a quiet excitement that sits in the belly of me, and everyday it feels as though there’s a butterfly flapping it’s new wings with anticipation of what’s coming next. And don’t get me wrong, I’m not missing the current moment, because that would be silly. But even with all things new and shiny, there’s still cause for pause in my tiny apartment. A pause that leaves me breathless and devastated, even if it’s for less than a millisecond, it still happens. Maybe devastated isn’t the right word. Eh. Even typing it, it seems a little melodramatic. Maybe shocked is a better word.

Last May, I met a boy. It all starts with a boy doesn’t it? It was one of those things that should have just been a weekend thing, but being the girl that I am, and him being the boy that he was, neither of us would accept it just as that. I mean why would we? Fate is fate. This boy I met on my first visit to New Orleans this year. And he left me dragging my feet to get back to Texas. And I remember spending days being mad at him because he made me not want to be in Texas. He made me hate Texas, when really both Austin and Texas had done absolutly nothing wrong. All they had done was to be everything I had ever wanted. But yet, it was the boy in Louisiana who made me realize that why both Austin and Texas were everything I could have have dreamed of, they were not the right fit. I told myself that me wanting to move to Louisiana had nothing to do with a boy. But let’s be honest, he was the driving force. And I didn’t want to move because of him, I just wanted to move to be closer to him. However, life happens, and nothing ever happens the exact way we want it to. And I moved to New Orleans for no one but simply myself. For simple selfish reasons at that. Which honest to blog, I feel that’s just how it should be.

So even though I moved here for myself, and even though I have friends here, friends I have known for years and I love dearly. It’s strange. There’s a boy in the very city of which I stand, who once felt the same way about me, as I did about him (butterflies in the belly), and it also strikes me as odd that in one moment it can all go from good to bad. I once tried to explain it to a friend.

Me: Everything was perfect… until it wasn’t

Friend: That tends to be how it happens

I’m not sad, and I don’t wish to change anything that has already happened. It just seems so funny to me how quickly the heart can go from light and flighty to sad and… well just sad. Lucky for me the sadness has passed. But from time to time, it strikes me as funny. This boy who made it seem like he had so many plans for me, is no longer even in my peripheral vision… but instead just something that flutters through my brain wave from time to time. And even when the sadness has passed, I want my milliseconds back.